Impressionism Of Love
by Stelle's Pen
Summary: "Love fades, mine has." Those four words has been both a curse and a blessing. Had he not said those words, I may never realise how my impression of the love we had were like the Impressionist paintings, unrealistic. Had he not said those words, I may never realise what's in front of me the whole time, my sort-of prince charming, the one who truly saves me from the nightmares.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Vampire Academy series is owned by Richelle Mead.  
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><p><strong><em>Prologue<em>**

I've always thought the term _heartbreak_ was funny.

I mean _why_ don't people use heart_ache_, you know like stomach_ache_ or head_ache_.

_Now,_ I finally understand the term _heartbreak_, and let me tell you, the term is _fantastically appropriate_.

When you find yourself giving the other person your whole heart, only for it to be broken into pieces and give it back to you to piece it back together, the term heartbreak sounds pretty spot-on. It was not just an ache, it feels like your chest is breaking into two. Dramatic I know. And I _hate_ being dramatic.

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><p><em>I love you. I will always love you. I'll always be there for you.<em>

That's what he_ said_ to me, that's what I _said_ to him.

When I've first fallen in love, truly madly deeply fallen in love with the man who I _thought_ of as _the love of my life_, and fate stole him from me in the in the most cruel way, my thought was that that was_ it_, I'd _never_ be able to fall in love again.

_I loved him, and I will always love him_.

Oh, how so very very wrong was I.


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Vampire Academy series is owned by Richelle Mead.  
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**This story is _not_ a Romitri story, my advance apology to the Romitri fans.**

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><p><strong><em>Rose POV<em>**

_"I've given up on you,"_ he said back, voice so soft it was a whisper. _"Love fades. Mine has."_

Once those words leave his lips, I would have thought the first emotion from me would be the wrenching pain of my heart break, but no, the first emotion that hits me was incomprehension, absolute confusion.

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><p>Before Dimitri Belikov, I have never been the type of girls who believe in the romantic concept of undying love, or soulmate. I remember while watching those romantic story with Lissa, be it the classic like Romeo and Juliet, which for me the sole purpose was ogling the young Leonardo DiCaprio, or the contemporary classic Twilight, I had been the girl who make joke at how silly their love seemed. I actually laughed at how sucked it was that Romeo couldn't just wait for may be another hour before he kill himself, or Bells could grieving like Edward was her sole reason for existence when having someone as hot as Jacob giving her goo-goo eyes every other day. Yeah, I know I'm a critiquing bitch, sue me.<p>

But, after being brought back to school, fallen in love with my Russian mentor Dimitri, having him be my rock during the unfortunate events and circumstances of the night Lissa was kidnapped by Victor, the time I wasn't able to kill the Strigoi Natalie, the loss of Mason from the Spokane incident, the effect of the spirit darkness threatening my sanity, the massacre that resulted in him being turned to the soulless monster, and oh so bittersweet night at the cabin, I have fallen into the false sense of security in the concept of true love, just like Bella in Twilight, just like Juliet in Shakespeare's Classic.

I remember coming across the famous quote from Dante Alighieri's Paradiso, "_L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stele - Love, that moves the sun and the other stars_", and immediate thought of how this is the exact type of love that I thought we shared. After all I'm a girl coming back from death by my best friend's spirit magic, after all I had managed, with the help of my friends, to make the impossible possible, turning Dimitri back to Dhampir, believing that such type of love exists isn't that fall on the sane scale. I had wholeheartedly believe that what me and Dimitri had was that type of love, which doesn't ceased to exist no matter how much time passed, the eternal type that would last even after we cease to exist, the type that could conquer anything coming in our ways.

This is why my immediate reaction to those four little words from Dimitri was shocked and incomprehension. My brain couldn't fathom the situation where he such type of love would diminish. Sure, I would be lying if I say I was has not hurt that he has treated me as a social pariah since turing back, I had imagine how he would run straight into my arms after regaining his soul, just like a switch being turned, wishful thinking on my part. But despite that, I was sure that if he would just talked to me, see my face, anything really, that the switch would turn back on. The sad part is that I was willing to do anything for him, of for the love that I thought we shared, I was willing to break the high security prison, setting Victor freed, risking Eddie's career, risking my life's dream of becoming Lissa's guardian just for that love, and he had just simply let that love go. How could that have happened?

I ran, ran and _ran_.

I did not recognise the place I pass, the people I encountered, or how insane I might have looked, I just simply ran until exhausted with shock and confusion. Once stopped I find myself in one of the empty richly decorated hallway, collapsing down on the carpeted floor, my back to the wall, staring into everything and nothing, and just let my suppressed river of tears fall. Funny how I, Rose Hathaway, the fierce guardian who is not afraid to take on Strigoi, is acting like a damsel in distress balling my eyes out from for little words from the man I love. The tirade of emotion consuming me was bring me down as if I was drowning in ocean of water.

Confusion, hurt, heartbreak, anger, love, hate, disbelief, and betrayal all mixed together to created this emotional whirlpool.

_"There is no us," _

_"I don't want you here," _

_"I want you to stay away from me,"_

_"I don't want you to keep trying to bring back feels that are gone. That's the past. None of that's going to happen again. Not ever. It's better for us if we act like strangers. It's better for you."_

_"I have given up on you."_

_"Love fades, mine has."_

Each words are like a slap to my face, like a knife stabbing my heart. All this time, despite all the avoidance, his refusal to give into our romance, it had always been about some grander scheme, about some greater good, about the self-hatred and remorse he felt over being a monster or how it had scarred him from love. Never has I ever doubted his love in me, nerved before has I ever think of him simply giving up on us. Love fades, his love fades, he had given up on us, he had let go of our love. Never in a million years has I ever thought of this situation, of him simply letting go of our love, of his love simply not being as strong as I thought and just fades.

Looking around, noticing the time passed, I realised that during my breakdown I have ran into a secluded spot in the Court that I have never been to before, the hallway filled with beautiful paintings on the wall, but the one in front of me that caught my attention looks familiar, as if I should have known the place from the painting but because the painting is portrait do differently, the answer is not as simple. Standing up to look closer as the painting I notice that I knew the statue in the painting, it was the angel statue back at St. Valdimir's, the in front of the beautiful lack near the elementary section of the school that has been destroyed during the Strigoi attacked. Why didn't I recognised it sooner? May be because the artist that painted these painting have such a different view that add the colours and details in the painting that wasn't there, and overlook the details that would fit in this beautiful painting? Is this similar to the relationship between me and Dimitri, I simply was like the artist that paint this painting, seeing things to be more or less than what is in reality?

How could I have been so stupid as to think, no assume, that what Dimitri felt is the same as mine. To think about it has been like I have viewed our relationship through lens fogged with my own point of view of romanticism, could it have been possible that the answer was as simple as out strength of love is not equals, that he has simply love me less than I do?

_Yes, it could_, I just didn't see it. All those clues he had given me was heard and not listened. I have never been a good listener.

Thinking of this brought me back to this morning conversation with Adrain, I know I have feeling for Adrain, but it was a far cry from his feeling for me. So, why oh why would it not be the case with me and Dimitri, but just the complete opposite, Dimitri simply love me less. Oh, how thruth can be cruel.

The negative tirade of emotions I was feeling induce the darkness in me like never before, it hurter so much that I want him to feel the hurt back. To feel like being slapped, stabbed and drown at the same time. I almost regret saving him from the soulless existence, yes almost but not quite. Despite everything, Dimitri has been the first man I ever loved, he has taught me everything I know about being a guardian, and the simple truth is that I would never wish such existence on even my worse enemy. Two wrongs does not make it right, and looking back, I have anyone but me to blame for my warped point of view of the me and Dimitri. He has always been the one to deny our feeling while I fought for us to be together, and once again, he has been the one to let it go. I had been too wrapped up in my mind to never notice the clues he has given me.

Perhaps that's the reason he has been avoiding me all along, not the so-called guilt that I can see consumed him every moments, he just hasn't want to hurt me by saying that his love is gone, that he has let go, but I had to be stubborn and didn't stay away that he has to tell the thrush to my face, despite everything Dimitri is a good man in the core, he didn't wanted me hurt to this extreme, but I was not giving him the choice.

_Karma is really is a bitch._

I have no right to blame Dimitri while I had been the same with Adrain, I knew his feeling for me is far deeper that mine. For god sake, he knows about my feeling for Dimitri and is still willing to love me. What's worse is that I have never really given us the chance, not really. I have always been hung up on Dimitri too much to really give Adrain and me a fair chance. He was right, I've never really given myself over to out relationship. I simply wasn't ready, and I has been to selfish to let him go, because I simply didn't want to.

_Why is that?_

I may not have been the best person out there, but I would never deliberately want to hurt Adrain, but there is just something about him that I couldn't let go. Adrain makes me happy, he makes me laugh. If Dimitri has been fire that burns, Adrain has been water that soothes.

In hindsight, I had taken Adrain for granted, far worse than what Dimitri does to me, Dimitri never asked for me to go to Russia to kill him, he never asked for me to break the prison for him, he never asked for me to turn him back, in contrast, I, on the other hand, had always ask for something from Adrain, always asked him for a favour, always a favour, and Adrain is anything but stupid, how much must he has loved me to be letting himself being taken advantage of, and oh I take advantage of Adrain all right. And the worse part is I know that would do that again, if it means saving Dimitri.

If Adrain is capable of tolerating me then really I no right to be angry, feel betray, or hate Dimitri, no right at all.

I have to let go of Dimitri, let go of all the love, the anger, the heartbreak, the history, and especially, the "What could have been." For myself, as well as for Adrain. He never asked for anything, except for me to giving us the fair chance, the one thing I know despite the feeling waring inside me, I sincerely wanted too, I just didn't know how to let go of Dimitri.

_"There is no us," _

_"I don't want you here," _

_"I want you to stay away from me,"_

_"I don't want you to keep trying to bring back feels that are gone. That's the past. None of that's going to happen again. Not ever. It's better for us if we act like strangers. It's better for you."_

_"I have given up on you."_

_"Love fades, mine has."_

Those words to said Chapel is the perhaps the worse and best things he could have said.

His telling me that he has given up on me and that his love has faded is perhaps the curse and the blessing in itself. Why? Because no longer would I be looking into the relationship that Dimitri and I had through the romanticist's view where the love between two people lasts the lifetime. Perhaps there is a difference between that type of love, and obsession. I see now that Adrain has really loved me, but how I acted toward Dimitri? Was it love, or was it obsession mix with my personal brand of stubbornness? Or the mix of all three?

In hindsight, the reality of the situation of this heartache that has been with me since he was force to turned Strigoi has been simple, love fades, his has.

The solution? Fucking move on.

Although the feeling I still has for Dimitri is still cutting my heart bleeding, at least he has given me the clean break that I needed. At least I know that he no longer feel the same way I feel about him, and there is really nothing left for us because he has given up, at least I know I have done everything I could possibly do for this failed romance to work. I have done everything I could have, there will be no regret from my part, just a clean break that I have to let myself healed and letting go. There is no more thought about what could have been if he hasn't been turned, because now I know that regardless, he just didn't love me enough.

_The heart wants what it wants, the opposite is true too, the heart doesn't want what it doesn't want. _

It's time to lick my wound, and put a bandage on.

Back at my room, looking at the old photo of me and Dimitri from the past, I cried again. Looking at the smile and the love that used to be in his eyes, the realisation hits me that this Dimitri here is Court is not the same person as my old Dimitri, him being awaken changed him, it changed me. They may have the same face, but now I realise that on the inside they are not the same person. I have been mourning for that old Dimitri, and I have been since that fateful night, going to Russia to kill him, bringing him back from the existence of soulless monster, all have been part of the mourning process.

And mourning is tiring. Crying is exhausting. I so do not like mourning, I especially hate crying.

The night in the cabin has been both the pinnacle of our love, albas a really short-lived one. What we did in the cabin has been, not only the act of love, but the act of goodbye. I'm done crying for the old Dimitri, he is gone, his love is gone, what remind of what used to be of my first love is the memories, these old photos, his favourite Western novel that I have kept, the jewellery he gave me during the time he was a Strigoi, the letters he sent me promising to end my life. Looking at the old memoirs I know what I have to do, what I needed to do as a final act of goodbye to my first love.

Putting all the tokens into the old jewellery box that Olena has given during my time in Baia, I set the box aside, thinking about the mistakes I've made, in the name of my love for Dimitri. No, I don't regret him turning back to Dhampir, whatever happened between us, he was a good man, a good guardian, and a good son to his family. What I regrets is the hurt inflicted on the people I care about in the process. Eddie risking his job, Lissa being put in danger by freeing Victor, and Adrain.

Adrain, oh Adrain. He was right this morning, I have never really given us the chance. I know that he makes me happy, in reality and dream. Throughout the whole fiasco, he has been the one constant, he has been my rock, and I have never show my appreciation for him enough. It's not fair for him to string him along if I'm not going to give us the fair chance, but should I let him go? Do I want to let him go? If I have to be honest with myself, thinking of him moving on with some other faceless girl hurts, I have not realise it, but instead of the drunken womaniser that people see his as, my Adrain is sweet, caring, sincere, loving and selfless. Shocking I know, I would never peg him to be such type when we met at the ski resort, but alas, nothing is as it appears to be. I've been selfish in not letting go of Dimitri, and letting the past obscuring the present of me and Adrain. Thinking of how sweet it is for alcoholic Adrain to give up smoking and drinking for us, then the least I can do is giving up Dimitri.

If I am being honest with myself, I do not like this me, I don't like the person I have became since I've met Dimitri. Since when do I not care about hurting people such as Eddie, Lissa and Adrain for my personal gain. Since when have I became a selfish person. Yes, Dimitri is right, it will be better for everyone that I give up on him, it'll be better if we become stranger, which for all I know, we are. I can't say that I know this Dimitri anymore, my old mentor, my first love is gone, truly has been gone for quite sometimes now. I realise now, that that fateful night, my first love have died in the cave.

Like surgery, sometimes, you have to do things you don't like, things that hurt, for you to get better. The words Dimitri said to me have been like a surgery knife, cutting the unhealthy pieces out of me, that's why it hurt so so very badly. Now, after the procedure, all I have to do, for Adrain, but especially for myself, is heal. I will become healthy again.

Like I said, I know exactly what I have to do, what I want to do, and _what I need to do_.


End file.
